I've been really upset the past few weeks knowing that time for classes to start back up at Ole Miss were getting closer and closer.
I was on Facebook this morning scrolling down my newsfeed (bad idea for the first day of classes) and EVERYONE is posting how it's their "last first day of college" and I'm just sinking further into my bed because I'm just so not okay to get up yet and face the day.
As I was scrolling one of my girlfriends had posted a picture saying "my struggles have shown me my strength" and has also been through a lot, but today is her last first day of class and I couldn't be more than happier for her because she deserves it. But it got me thinking that I haven't really been honest or truthful about my situation. I write about motivation but haven't really expressed why I do, or why I'm so sad that it's the first day of class.
I'm going to start off by saying everyone has some sort of problem or issue. No one's life is 100 % complete and whole. For a while I have been ashamed, I thought that what I was going through was just temporary but here came another semester of no change so I have to face the reality of the matter and just get what I'm feeling off my chest...
I have 30 hours left of my Journalism degree with two emphasis, public relations and magazine along with two minors, business and English. Some of you are probably thinking "overachiever" yeah, I guess so.
I've been out of school now for 4 semesters, that's a whole two years. It's not because I flunked out, wasn't smart enough or dedicated enough to finish, it was wasn't because I had a drug addiction or in love with turning the bottle up, its not because I was in love and left school to pursue a guy and it wasn't because I got pregnant and had a child. I haven't been in school because of a strong financial strain.
Every semester that starts new I always get into a massive funk. But today, with this new semester I'm in the worst state that I've been in emotionally. I thought I had dealt with the emotion of not finishing school but I guess I truly haven't. I guess one of the biggest reasons why this one is so hard for me is because I'm getting older. I'm 25 and I feel like my life can't start and won't start because I have no career. Yes, I'm doing other things on the side but still. Its the fact that I started my education and haven't been able to finish it. I the type of person that I have to finish what I start or I'm not happy.
People don't understand the value of education.
Some people have it so easy. They are not appreciative of what they have, they don't care that there's people like me who want to be in school who'd kill to finish their last year. They just blow school away because they don't care. That's not fair for people like me. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. But it sure does feel like it.
I guess I'm ashamed because all my life people defined me as the rich girl. Even in college among all my friends they new me as "Nathalie, the girl who's dad takes care of everything and if its not her dad it's her grandparents."
I should't feel ashamed for having my lifestyle completely change. I should have been more open and upfront from the start and I guess that's what my relationship with Daniel taught me, it taught me to be open and upfront about situations because everyone has stuff going on in their lives, that I don't have to or I shouldn't feel the need to hide under the facade of who I once was.
I know I will still be successful and when that day comes I will share my story with others and help inspire those who truly need it like I need it today and have needed it over the past few weeks leading up to today.
Writing about what has truly hurt me and bothered me I feel this emotional release. I feel like I have lifted a huge burden that has been weighing on my shoulders for a few years.
Thank you to all my readers for listening and for being there emotionally to support me.